I feel like I am an outcast, a villain in a movie that never stops playing. But to my victims I am the most amazing, innocent person they have ever met. Until they cross me and I become defensive and blame it all on them.
Why can't I stop? Why can't I find the help that I need? Why does it just seem to get worse and never better? Why?
Why can't I stop? Why can't I find the help that I need? Why does it just seem to get worse and never better? Why?
I have a problem... and I feel I can finally admit it.. I lie, a lot....
I don't even know if I have the strength to explain it, but it hurts. It really kills me inside that I do it but I feel I can't stop even when I urge myself so hard not to do it. I don't think may people really know that I have this problem, I feel like I've kept it under so well, so many cover story over cover story that at some point in time, I started to believe the things I was making up... and maybe I still do. I've lost my sense of reality and starting making up this cruel, distressing, exaggerated, attention seeking world of my own.. of lies.
It kills me because people constantly tell me that I'm the sweetest person they know, but if they knew the things I've lied about.... I don't know if I'd feel better or worse.. I'm afraid of people leaving me for the things I've said, but the things I say are worse.
I've lied to friends, , family...
I'm not a cheater, but I've lied about the things that have happened in past relationships. I've lied about a lot of the things in my life, mostly about who I am... Television makes promises look so easy.
Losing lance was the worst thing in my life, but at the same time it could be one of the best because I have realised this... I just wish it didn't have to take breaking him apart, messing with his mind and manipulating him so much... He knew something from the start, I should have realised that too, I knew I should have really done something with myself... because I did lie to him I believe I lied to him the most, but I love him. I made myself believe that I loved him so much that I HAD to lie. I HAD to say things to either make him happy, or things to make him feel bad for me, make him feel guilty or just anything I could to get his attention. Because I think I knew I could get it, and I loved him for it....
When I started realising things were falling apart, I would constantly tell him things like, "Let's pretend like it never happened." "Let's put it on a new slate, I love you" then when he didn't agree with me, I started cutting myself. I made up so many stories to try to guilt trip him and started stalking him, pretending to be someone else. I start to believe that I'm actually these people that I make up....
I want to be free of these chains, I want lance back more than anything.. but I feel like if I tell him everything I've lied about. All of the things that I've overwhelmed him with.... I feel like he'd never talk to me again, he'd hate me rather than love me. But more than anything, I want him to trust me, and with all the lies I know I've said to him.... I don't think anything in the world could ever make him forgive me if I admitted.
All I want is to feel like I'm accepted.... so I lie, but I don't know why... It's not really who I am, it's just something I make myself believe I am. And every day I start to believe it more, just to make myself feel better... just to give my self esteem some sort of sick fix.
I need help... but how and where do you find help for someone who lies constantly? The worse thing about my lies are that most of them are much more terrible than the actual truth. That it would have been just easier to say the truth, but I went with the first thing and I lie, and believe it..
I'm afraid of karma. I'm afraid of having no one. But admittedly, I'm afraid of not having my way...
But I feel like I've lost all touch, I feel like when I'm speaking with someone, trying to get one-on-one... trying to understand... I'm not all there. I don't feel the passion in a human's touch and look like I used to... It's killing me.
I feel like I'm sick, I feel like I need something.. I can't keep lying, I can't keep hurting myself, hurting the people around me...
I can't trust myself, I can't love myself... not like this.
I've lied about so many terrible things, things people don't deserve to have done to themselves,.I don't even know where I picked up this habit.
I wish I could go back, I wish I could sit down with lance in the past and have a long talk with him... tell him that I have this problem... because I know more than anything, that if he had known back then... he would have done anything in his best to help me. He's done so much for me, so much for a sick person like me..
These past few weeks I've really wanted to die, I really felt like I had no idea what to do... so I'm writing it down, to the public. My last resort, try to get it all out, and hope that somewhere out there someone understands me and wants to help... I need any sincere advice to take me to the right place again. I feel so trapped.
I don't even know if I have the strength to explain it, but it hurts. It really kills me inside that I do it but I feel I can't stop even when I urge myself so hard not to do it. I don't think may people really know that I have this problem, I feel like I've kept it under so well, so many cover story over cover story that at some point in time, I started to believe the things I was making up... and maybe I still do. I've lost my sense of reality and starting making up this cruel, distressing, exaggerated, attention seeking world of my own.. of lies.
It kills me because people constantly tell me that I'm the sweetest person they know, but if they knew the things I've lied about.... I don't know if I'd feel better or worse.. I'm afraid of people leaving me for the things I've said, but the things I say are worse.
I've lied to friends, , family...
I'm not a cheater, but I've lied about the things that have happened in past relationships. I've lied about a lot of the things in my life, mostly about who I am... Television makes promises look so easy.
Losing lance was the worst thing in my life, but at the same time it could be one of the best because I have realised this... I just wish it didn't have to take breaking him apart, messing with his mind and manipulating him so much... He knew something from the start, I should have realised that too, I knew I should have really done something with myself... because I did lie to him I believe I lied to him the most, but I love him. I made myself believe that I loved him so much that I HAD to lie. I HAD to say things to either make him happy, or things to make him feel bad for me, make him feel guilty or just anything I could to get his attention. Because I think I knew I could get it, and I loved him for it....
When I started realising things were falling apart, I would constantly tell him things like, "Let's pretend like it never happened." "Let's put it on a new slate, I love you" then when he didn't agree with me, I started cutting myself. I made up so many stories to try to guilt trip him and started stalking him, pretending to be someone else. I start to believe that I'm actually these people that I make up....
I want to be free of these chains, I want lance back more than anything.. but I feel like if I tell him everything I've lied about. All of the things that I've overwhelmed him with.... I feel like he'd never talk to me again, he'd hate me rather than love me. But more than anything, I want him to trust me, and with all the lies I know I've said to him.... I don't think anything in the world could ever make him forgive me if I admitted.
All I want is to feel like I'm accepted.... so I lie, but I don't know why... It's not really who I am, it's just something I make myself believe I am. And every day I start to believe it more, just to make myself feel better... just to give my self esteem some sort of sick fix.
I need help... but how and where do you find help for someone who lies constantly? The worse thing about my lies are that most of them are much more terrible than the actual truth. That it would have been just easier to say the truth, but I went with the first thing and I lie, and believe it..
I'm afraid of karma. I'm afraid of having no one. But admittedly, I'm afraid of not having my way...
But I feel like I've lost all touch, I feel like when I'm speaking with someone, trying to get one-on-one... trying to understand... I'm not all there. I don't feel the passion in a human's touch and look like I used to... It's killing me.
I feel like I'm sick, I feel like I need something.. I can't keep lying, I can't keep hurting myself, hurting the people around me...
I can't trust myself, I can't love myself... not like this.
I've lied about so many terrible things, things people don't deserve to have done to themselves,.I don't even know where I picked up this habit.
I wish I could go back, I wish I could sit down with lance in the past and have a long talk with him... tell him that I have this problem... because I know more than anything, that if he had known back then... he would have done anything in his best to help me. He's done so much for me, so much for a sick person like me..
These past few weeks I've really wanted to die, I really felt like I had no idea what to do... so I'm writing it down, to the public. My last resort, try to get it all out, and hope that somewhere out there someone understands me and wants to help... I need any sincere advice to take me to the right place again. I feel so trapped.
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